Misadventures at the Mall
by Charlene Edwards
Summary: The Bat boys go Christmas shopping


TITLE: Misadventures at the Mall Author: Charlene Edwards Rating: PG Synopsis: The Batboys go Christmas shopping. Disclaimer: They belong to DC NOT me - lol Thanks go out to Tammy and Patty who IM"d with me during parts of my thinking process on this one. It's completely unbeta'd soooo any mistakes, as always are mine. Hope you all enjoy!!! Charlene :-)  
  
Misadventures at the Mall:  
  
Walking through the maze of people, it took all of their skills to avoid crashing into the throngs moving through the corridors. Christmas music blared through the intercoms. Screaming children seemed to be everywhere. Bruce Wayne stopped and stood perfectly still as he surveyed his surroundings. Dick and Tim ran into his back as he stopped.  
  
"What're you doing? You can't just stop in the middle of the mall," Dick exclaimed.  
  
"Trying to get my bearings," he replied.  
  
"Well you don't just STOP in the middle of the mall. Especially the weekend before Christmas. We'll get run over."  
  
Bruce turned and stared at Dick. Then turning his attention on Tim, he noticed the younger boy's eyes were following a group of teenage girls. "We need a plan."  
  
"We have a plan," Dick replied. "We're Christmas shopping. We're in the Mall. That's the plan."  
  
"Yeah," Tim added turning his attention back to Bruce and Dick, "all we gotta do is buy stuff."  
  
Bruce looked down at his youngest protégé with a scowl. It wasn't that easy. He knew it deep in his soul. Alfred wouldn't have told him he HAD to do his own Christmas shopping this year if it was THAT easy. Alfred was trying to stop 'enabling' him from growing up. Bruce saw absolutely no reason why he couldn't be enabled. Alfred should enable him. Then he'd be at home, in front of his computer, solving some nice crime; and all this Christmas shopping would be over.  
  
"Hey , now there's the store we need," Dick said as he pointed and headed off. Tim ran behind him as Bruce shook his head.  
  
As Bruce walked up he saw them standing, rather drooling, in front of the Victoria's Secret Store. "No."  
  
"No? What'd ya mean no."  
  
"No, you cannot buy Barbara sexy nightclothes."  
  
"Why CAN'T I get Babs sexy night clothes?" Dick asked incredulously.  
  
"I raised an idiot. First of all, ALFRED would know and he will NOT approve. Secondly, her father would shoot you. Third, it's inappropriate."  
  
Tim, still looking in the window asked longingly, "Well, can we go inside Victoria's Secret anyways?"  
  
"Tim, you are SO hormonal," Dick replied.  
  
Bruce looked at Dick and shook his head, "Oh please, Dick. You used to pounce on every single female villain. You couldn't just throw a batarang and knock them out. Nooo. you had to tackle them and give them a full pat down."  
  
"You noticed that, did you?"  
  
"YES, Dick, I noticed that."  
  
"Well, uh... it was subconscious," Dick replied sheepishly.  
  
"Rii--iight," Bruce replied.  
  
"Dick, did you really cop a feel on Catwoman?" Tim asked all glassy eyed. "Man, Dick, you're my hero. Why haven't I thought about doing that?"  
  
"Shut-up."  
  
"Her costume's so tight. When it's cold out, you can see her --" Tim stopped as Bruce growled. "I mean... she's a criminal. she's bad."  
  
They notice Bruce had walked to one of the vendor booths in the center of the aisle. He was looking at little cat frames with a far off look in his eye. Looking at each other, they started laughing, "Bruce has a thing for Selina, Bruce has a thing for Selina..." they chanted as the pulled him away from the vendor.  
  
"Bruce, what deep dark secrets are you hiding?? Have YOU copped a feel on Catwoman?"  
  
"Let's go into Structure, I want to look for a few things --"  
  
"Oh yeah, Bruce knows first hand about Selina's hard --" Tim started only to be stopped by The Glare. Tim looked to Dick and they erupted in giggles.  
  
"Yeah Tim, maybe she even gave him a consolation --"  
  
"RICHARD JOHN GRAYSON! Not another word," Bruce commanded as his index finger pointed at Dick.  
  
Tim giggled and decided to try his luck, "So, like... is she as completely hot as I imagine her being? Like when you peal all that leather off of her?"  
  
"TIMOTHY! You have been hanging around Richard too much. Richard you are a bad influence on the boy."  
  
Dick and Tim looked at each other and broke out in loud laughter. Dick added, "Oh Bruce, she's sooo hot --"  
  
"You two do realize that a paranoid individual such as myself tape records all conversations. And that Barbara and Stephanie will be receiving a copy of this tape. Edited portions that is"  
  
Tim looked panicked, "You're making that up."  
  
"Test me."  
  
"I'll be good!" Tim said nodding his head, "We ... we'll be good."  
  
"No we won't," Dick added with a grin. "Come on, we haven't bought ANYTHING yet."  
  
"Oh hey, can we stop at Walden Books, I GOTTA get the new Harry Potter book!"  
  
"For who?"  
  
"For me."  
  
"Timothy, we do not need to buy presents for ourselves. Save something for someone else to give you. We have certain ladies to buy for, amongst others." Bruce said as he headed for Structure.  
  
"Can't buy anything for the ladies in there," Dick called out as they followed him.  
  
"Why do we all have to hang out together?" Tim whispered to Dick.  
  
"Because he doesn't know what he's doing and he needs us to help him. He just won't ask."  
  
"Yeah, well WE don't know what we're doing either. Alfred shouldn't have went off and left us to fend for ourselves. AND some people couldn't even get the list!"  
  
"Don't start," Dick said as pushed Tim ahead of him.  
  
************************************************************************  
  
Two hours later, they walked through the mall a few small packages in their hands. They knew they weren't finished, they hadn't even made a good start.  
  
"I'm hungry," Tim whined. "Let's go to the Food Court."  
  
"Sounds like the best plan we've had yet," Dick agreed.  
  
Bruce grunted, "We have to finish shopping."  
  
"I can't shop on an empty stomach," Tim complained.  
  
"You haven't been doing so well to begin with," Bruce retorted.  
  
Dick shook his head, "Listen Bruce, we can think a bit while we're eating. Get a plan."  
  
Reluctantly, Bruce followed them into the food court. As many people as he had seen in the mall, the numbers seemed to be doubled in the Food Court. He stood behind his boys as he surveyed his surroundings. Spotting a young mother with two children starting to put her food containers on the red plastic tray on the side of the table, he started to move, like a panther on the prowl.  
  
Dick and Tim looked at each other, what was he doing? Shrugging they followed him.  
  
Just as the young mother stood up, taking her toddlers by the hand, Bruce casually swung his few packages on the table, narrowly beating the teenage couple who were coming from the opposite end of the Food Court. Bruce gave a small smile as they turned to look another seat.  
  
"Uh, we don't have any food yet," Dick stated as he and Tim walked up dropping their bags on the table.  
  
"I understand that. I'll sit right here and keep our table while you two get us something to eat," Bruce replied as he sat down.  
  
Dick and Tim stood there looking down at him.  
  
"What?" he asked, somewhat annoyed.  
  
Dick held out his hand with a wide grin, "Money."  
  
"What do you mean 'money'?" Bruce asked.  
  
"Want food, we need money."  
  
"Richard, don't you have your OWN money."  
  
"Do you know how little a Bludhaven cop makes. And I only get paid once a month and that's at the first. This is the twenty-second. I have NO money," Dick replied with a wider grin as his fingers did the pony-up motion.  
  
"What about your OTHER money?"  
  
"That's for emergencies, when you're not around."  
  
"What are you using to buy Christmas presents with?"  
  
"Your credit cards."  
  
Reaching in his pocket, Bruce pulled out two twenties and handed it to the boys who scurried off. He thought about the young woman and her toddlers who had just occupied this table before them. "Wait'll they're teenagers. No twenties -- that's worse than teenagers. Tim is still relatively sane," Bruce mumbled to himself.  
  
As they ate the food Dick brought back from Chick-Fil-A, they discussed the plan of attack.  
  
"We still have to get stuff for the girls," Tim said with a mouth full of chicken nuggets.  
  
"What about jewelry?" Bruce asked.  
  
"That's such a cop out. You know that's what they'll say. 'You bought jewelry. Couldn't put any THOUGHT into the gift'," Dick mocked, his hand on his chest.  
  
Bruce snorted, "Your girl maybe. Haven't you ever heard the phrase 'Diamonds are a Girl's Best Friend'?"  
  
"Yeah, heard it. Doesn't work with girls of today. Well sometimes it does, but it says something y'know," Dick replied.  
  
"What does it say?" Bruce asked.  
  
"HELLO! Diamond equals COMMITMENT." Dick said as he leaned across the table so Bruce could hear him over the din of the crowd. Tim nodded his head vigorously in agreement before reaching over and grabbing some of Bruce's fries.  
  
Bruce glared at the French fry thief who was busily stuffing the evidence in his mouth. "Well, what else would you suggest, Mr. Victoria's Secret?"  
  
Dick rolled his eyes, "Well, I still think that was a good idea."  
  
"Yeah, Dick, like I can REALLY give Steph something from there. I mean, going in's one thing -- BUYING something's another. Plus we still gotta get stuff for Cass and Dinah too. We go giving EITHER of them Victoria Secret's and we're seriously in the hospital."  
  
Dick and Bruce laughed at the thought. "This is hopeless," Bruce then added.  
  
"Why didn't you just hire one of those personal shoppers? Dick asked.  
  
"Yeah," Tim nodded as he started to grab another of Bruce's fries only to have Bruce grab his hand in midair.  
  
"Because Alfred forbade it."  
  
Dick and Tim looked at each other, "Oh."  
  
They finished their food in silence as they looked around the Food Court. Sitting near them was a group of young men. College students by their appearance. Dick's eyes narrowed as he looked at their packages. His attention focusing on the little square brown bags on the floor under the college student's table. A smile formed on his face.  
  
"I think I know where we need to go," Dick said triumphantly. Bruce and Tim both looked at him as if waiting for him to impart the wisdom of the ages to them. Proudly, he announced to his audience, "Bath & Body Works."  
  
"YES!" Tim squealed with glee, "Why didn't I think of that?"  
  
Bruce looked at the boys, a confused look on his face. "What's Bath & Body Works?"  
  
"A store NO man should ever be without," Dick added. Standing up they all went back into the mall.  
  
  
  
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It was late afternoon on Christmas Day, and Dick Grayson paced through Barbara Gordon's living room. "Hey Babs, why don't'cha wear that little dress I bought you to dinner?"  
  
"Dick, I'm taking that back," she replied from the bedroom where she was getting ready.  
  
"Why?" he asked.  
  
"Because the neck line and the hem met -- it was a LITTLE dress."  
  
"AND?" he whined.  
  
"Dick, I appreciate that you shopped, but hon," she started.  
  
"You didn't like it?" he asked sounding very much like a little boy.  
  
"I liked it," she replied. "I just couldn't wear it anywhere except the bathroom. Dick, it wasn't my size."  
  
"Really? I thought it would fit," he added.  
  
"It hasn't been my size since elementary school. I don't think it is anyone's size."  
  
"I thought you'd look good in it," he said pouting as he sat on the sofa.  
  
"Dick, sweetie, I'd have to be able to get in it. Why didn't you talk to Alfred?"  
  
"Because he said we had to shop this year on our own. He's trying to make us grow up and not do everything for us. "  
  
"Where was the list he made you? He always makes a list."  
  
"Alfred's list? I kind of forgot it. Soooo, would you have liked it IF I had went in Victoria's Secret? Bruce wouldn't let me go in there."  
  
"I can't imagine what would have happened in there. No Victoria's Secret. I already make sure you don't get the catalogue."  
  
"You do! How do you -- oh never mind --" he said as he remembered he was talking to the all-knowing omnipotent Oracle. "WHY can't I get the catalogue?" he called out petulantly.  
  
"Sweetie, the same reason you don't ever get your Playboy subscriptions. The same reason that your computer doesn't go to any of the porn sites," she responded triumphantly as she entered the living room.  
  
"That's NOT fair, Babs," he whined. "No one else's girlfriend does that to them!"  
  
"No, it's not. But --"  
  
"See -- you admit it's not fair. Do you agree to mend your ways?" he asked with a smile.  
  
"But," she continued undeterred, "other girlfriends don't have boyfriends that hang around Jessie Quick or Troia."  
  
"What's wrong with Jessie or Donna?"  
  
"There's nothing wrong. They're perfect. That's why you don't get any extra stimulation."  
  
Dick smiled. He could get himself out of this with the truth, "Not as perfect as you."  
  
"Oooh, that's why I love you. But you're still not getting the catalogue or Playboy."  
  
Whining, he cried, "But Babs!!!!!!!!"  
  
"No buts. Tell me, since you forgot Alfred's list, why didn't you go back or call?"  
  
"Well I couldn't call because Alfred said we were on our own."  
  
"And since you were on your own, you managed to come home with something that I could wear as a glove," she asked as he plopped down on the sofa.  
  
"I got you Bath & Body Works too!!!" he exclaimed.  
  
"Yes you did. That was good. BUT don't you think the amount of Bath and Body Works stuff you and Bruce and Tim got me, and Steph and Cassandra and Dinah, and -- I have a bad feeling a criminal named Selina -- was a LITTLE excessive. You make us wonder if we have body odor."  
  
"Well, we had to get you girls something, and Bruce didn't like anything Tim and I picked out in Spencer's. Do you know he even walked out and left us in there. Said it was undignified to even walk on the same side of the mall that Spencer's was on."  
  
"So, I ended up with Michael Jackson's left glove, because you have the attention span of a six year old," Barbara asked as she tried to get her errant boyfriend back to the subject matter of the cloth that disguised itself as a dress.  
  
"Six?" he asked confused.  
  
"Well, how old would you say a child is that can't get past the flashing lights at Spencer's."  
  
"Twenty-four," Dick replied with a smile.  
  
"A twenty-four year old child who acts like he's six. You're the world's second greatest detective and you can't figure out how to use a wish list," she sighed.  
  
"Yeah, but see Babs, Spencer's had these cool red heart shaped handcuffs that glow in the dark --"  
  
"Tim talked you out of buying those, didn't he?" she asked with a sigh of relief.  
  
"Uh -- not exactly."  
  
"Oh God ... Tell me that's not what was in the stocking that we didn't open."  
  
"WELL ..."  
  
"I'm stunned," she replied as she shook her head. "I thought the regular handcuffs were good enough."  
  
Dick shrugged his shoulders, "I thought ... you know ... well ... you know what I thought -- these glow in the dark."  
  
"We have other things that glow in the dark, we don't need them. Dick, please tell me, tell me you didn't charge those."  
  
"Charge? Like on my credit card? Why not?"  
  
"So that people won't see my boyfriend, the sometimes gossip bait Richard John Grayson, is buying glow-in-the dark sex toys. You know people like my FATHER."  
  
"He wouldn't like that would he?" Dick asked thoughtfully.  
  
"He'd like to see you in them -- behind bars."  
  
"I thought he liked me," Dick said hurt.  
  
"No father likes someone who buys their daughter heart shaped glow-in-the dark handcuffs."  
  
"Oh. Oops."  
  
"Oops indeed Boy Blunder."  
  
"Well, Alfred was proud of Bruce. He thinks he did 'reasonably well' for his first attempt. You should've seen Bruce. I think that WAS his Christmas present."  
  
"He did 'reasonable well' because he stayed out of Spenser's. Just tell me, did Tim buy anything in there?"  
  
Dick looked sheepish, "Well --"  
  
THE END. 


End file.
